(Left: Dr. Kantorowitz, my radiation oncologist)
I'm writing this a few hours after seeing Dr. K., the oncology radiologist in Mount Vernon. I liked him and felt comforted by the fact that he had reviewed my chart and all of my background info before I came to see him (something I don't think Dr. J., the oncologist, had done).
However, I'm feeling fairly devastated right now. Apparently, the results of my Oncotype DX test came in just last night (the $5,000 test that predicts risk of recurrence).
Dr. K. asked me if Dr. J. (the oncologist) had gone over the test results with me yet. I said, "No, I've been calling to get the results, but had been told they weren't in yet." So he informed me that my test score was a "27," which is far higher than I had anticipated.
What it means is that I have an 18% risk of distant recurrence (metasticized cancer) over the next 10 years. This percentage falls within the "intermediate" range and close to the top of it at that. Women with scores of 31 and higher are almost always given chemotherapy.
So Dr. K. excused himself and went to the other side of the clinic to confer with Dr. J. for a few minutes to find out how he wanted to proceed with my treatment. Dr. K. returned to the room and said, "Dr. J. says that he's going to recommend chemotherapy to you, but he's not sure you're going to accept it."
That amused me somewhat, but at the same time devastated me. Apparently Dr. J. perceived me to be somewhat independent minded from only one visit! I don't really think I'm all that independent. I just like to have as much information as possible before I commit to something. I felt that Dr. J. was a little bit too cavalier and dismissive with the answers to my questions during our first visit, so I pressed him a little. I guess I need more hand-holding than he likes to give.
So, all of the info that Dr. K. had given us about radiation and accelerated partial breast radiation went out the window for the time being. He ended our visit by telling me that if I were his wife, he would recommend that I take the one shot and do the chemo in addition to the radiation. I have to admit that it made sense to me, which is why I feel so overwhelmed right now. I told Dr. K. that I wasn't expecting this news and that I needed time to absorb it.
I was supposed to go back to work after my appointment, but instead, I just couldn't see myself sitting around a table with the superintendent and others, making chit-chat about what now seems like pretty trivial stuff.
My husband offered to sit with me for awhile, but I told him to go ahead and go back to work. I didn't want to sit in the car being all depressed with him. Besides, there's nothing he can do. And I know it really bothers him that there's nothing he can do to "fix" everything for me.
Rather, I headed to Starbucks in a daze, got a latte, parked the car, and sat in the car reading the test report that Dr. K. had given me. Of course, I prayed and I cried, too
I tooled around town for a bit and ran some errands. I just wanted to completely distract myself. Then I parked the car in the shade and thought, prayed, and cried some more. I just needed to process everything, I guess.
Then I went to the grocery store and picked up groceries and came home. When I picked up our mail, I had a new book in the mailbox from Amazon. It's called, Cancer: 50 Essential Things To Do.
I flipped through it briefly and landed on a section that said it was imperative to get a second opinion. The author wrote, "Put this book down and go pick up the phone and do it NOW." Wow, I guess he really means it.
So, even though I suspect a second oncologist will tell me exactly what Dr. J. is recommending, I know that I will feel better about my choice to go forward with chemo if I hear it from TWO doctors, not just one.
So I intend to call Swedish Hospital and see if I can consult with an oncologist down there. In a way, it seems kind of redundant, but dang it, I just need to do it. Dr. J. will probably think I'm in denial by going to another doctor, but he's not God, after all.
It's hard to explain the mixture of emotions I'm feeling. On one hand, I'm angry. I just feel jerked around because of the emotional roller coaster. I almost wish they hadn't told me I probably wouldn't need chemo. I just wasn't expecting this.
On the other hand, I feel resolute. I feel that if I want to live to see my future grandchildren, I need to take my best shot at it and if it involves chemo and radiation and hormone therapy . . . well, so be it.
Then I start thinking about living through the next year with all of this going on and I feel completely overwhelmed and I start to cry. Then I get mad at myself for being a weenie and having a pity party.
I think about people like my friend, Linda, whose son had cancer at age 10. He went through chemo and all of that and he's a grown young man now. If a 10 year old boy can go through it, so can I.
I just really hate the fact that my daughter's last year at home will have to be spent with me going through all of this. I wanted to be more available for her and now I feel that I will be all preoccupied with my own stuff. (Did I mention that I will have to go through menopause if I take the chemo?)
And perhaps foolishly, I'm most worried about how all of this will impact my job. I don't want to lose my hair, either, but I can get a wig, I guess. I don't want to be sick and tired all of the time, but if I didn't have to work, it would probably be a lot easier.
I could go for my treatment, come home and barf, and then go lie down. But having to fix myself up and go to work every day just seems like a monumental task while doing chemo and radiation.
Then again, I feel very blessed to have a job and think it might be the very best thing for me right now. It will distract me from my woes and give my life the normalcy and routine that I need.
Aaaggghhh! I'm worried about missing work and not having enough sick time and how this is all going to impact us financially. Did I say, "Aaaagghhhh?!!!"
I believe with all my heart that the Lord has allowed this into my life and that it's because He loves me that He's allowed it. I guess that reasoning must seem completely ridiculous to someone who's not a Christian.
But it's not this temporal life that's the most important--it's our eternal soul. And if going through this experience makes me into the kind of Christian that is better prepared to minister to others--and to enter eternity--apparently, this is what it's gonna take for someone like me. Man, I wish there were an easier way.
There's an Orthodox Prayer of Tranquility that I used to pray every day before I went to work (especially after I took on the new job with its added responsibilities). I was so stressed out about doing a good job and feeling in over my head. This prayer helped me so much and it came to my mind again today. Here it is:
"O Lord, grant that I may meet all that this coming day brings to me with spiritual tranquility. Grant that I may fully surrender myself to Thy Holy will. At every hour of this day, reveal Thy will to me. Bless my dealings with all who surround me. Whatsoever news may reach me in the course of the day, teach me to accept it with a calm soul and the firm conviction that all is subject to Thy Holy will."
"Direct my thoughts and feelings in all my words and actions. In all unexpected occurrences, do not let me forget that all is sent down from Thee. Grant that I may deal straightforwardly and wisely, neither embarrassing nor saddening anyone."
"O Lord, grant me the strength to endure the fatigue of the coming day and all the events that take place during it. Direct my will and teach me to pray, to believe, to hope, to be patient, to forgive, and to love. Amen."